My heart is numb.

My brain says i feel bad. Do i?

Got news that crushed me. I feel that loving with all your heart and being there for the other loyally and loving in the best way possible may not even be enough. Still dont get how "bad boys" get the girls while guys who try to be good and loving... get hurt. Why does it seem so easy for people to get over someone who loved them with all their heart, who put them before anything else, who treasured them like the precious pearl.

Funny. I now feel how my friend, Sam, feels.

Today i died.

Found out that the 10 year old boy died. I felt bad when i found out about it last night. Thought about what i did and what i could have done to save him. My colleague said we could not have done anything more because the lesion in his brain was too advanced. I just tried to get over everything by tiring myself out in the badminton game. Tin said to just pray for him.

A while ago, i was supposed to go to Unilever to attend black belt practice. On the road in Tumana, a pedicab driver avoided a pothole by sideswiping me. I pulled aside and he tried to blame me. His passenger got scratched i fixed her knee scratch with the emergency kit i had in my car but made sure that everyone knew that it was his fault. By the time it was all over i was too late for karate practice. I decided to go home. While online, i got a text message. It was the coordinator from the Church of the Gesu in Ateneo asking if i can read for tomorrow's mass. Had i gone to practice, i would not have been able to reply. Perhaps it was Kuya Jess' way to make me sure that i was available to receive the text to serve Him. He is so cool!

Last night,the 10 y/o kid we had to transfer to V.Luna was in bad shape. He has been having headaches for a long time. The mother assumed that it was just like her migraine and gave him paracetamol all the time. Yesterday, he started vomiting and getting weak. That was the only time they brought him to the hospital. We suspect a tumor. Stupid to let that happen to someone you love. On a more practical note, it would have been cheaper to have consulted early and treated the problem then than to fix the problem now. I wouldn't even begin to describe how difficult it is to intubate a child while the crazy ambulance driver weaves in and out of traffic.
The experiences of the night was not all bad. A 4 year old girl was brought in because she hit her chin when she fell causing a gaping wound. She was screaming a lot. She was afraid of doctors because, according to the father, her old pediatrician was not very gentle. Anyway, i wooed her and made sure that she felt no pain as i sutured her chin. She was talkative and nice once calmed. Nice but it made sewing her chin much more difficult :^D. The dad kept referring to her as baby bear, to himself as papa bear and guess who is referred to as Doctor bear who will make baby bear sexy again after i sew her chin? When it was done, she wasnt so scared of us white clad people anymore. They later came back bringing pizza and pepsi. It felt good.

Today is a most humbling day. 1) Someone beat me to making an appointment. Have to settle for a different, less convenient schedule. 2) Was in major pain while training in karate because the exercise called for punches and kicks to the stomach and my partner was kicking and punching too hard. Had to not show it or flinch but it really hurt. 3) While sparring, i got kicked on the side of the head. Didnt see it. I wasnt used to sparring with head shots allowed. It showed how much more i need to train. (that's me with the blue gloves) 4) My old sensei joked that i was slow. 5) I played badminton after karate training and even if we won the first game, we lost the other. I didnt have enough juice to handle badminton. I didnt have fun. Yeah, one shouldnt push their bodies like that but i used to handle it well. Lets not even get into the age factor. Im sure Nadj will tell me that it was because im old na. Sigh.

The decision to leave for the states was made for me. I have to get out of this house. I cant be told what to do and when.

Good Friday.

During times like today, i remember how special a gift my friend gave me. Yes, i know that God was always with me but it took her to convince me to take that step my siblings were asking me to. It was because of her that i got to have a Kuya.

The body is an amazing piece of bioengineering. God is beyond genius! When you enter a stinky room, your nose adapts to the stench and you dont smell it anymore after a couple of minutes. When youre in place with loud sounds, your ear adjusts a muscle so your eardrum becomes less receptive to sounds. If your arm is in pain, your body sends chemicals to the part and dulls the pain. Weird thing lang is how the heart is difficult to teach and the most adamant to change. Resilient to a fault but darned stubborn. Once it invests in a person, it couldnt let go easily.


I havent much to offer anyone right now except a lot of potential. Im struggling with discerning where God's will lies, to stay in Manila or to leave for the States. My life is so full here now. I have Badminton groups, black belt practices again, work, friends. In the states, it will all be work and a struggle to stay and make something out of practically nothing. However, if i am to get to offer something to my future wife, i think it would be best to leave. Its a few years but it will be worth it - i hope. Still, i know that if it is what God wills, i will succeed.

(Dependents Ward,AFGH)

This is cool. I spent a considerable amount to buy a portable wireless keyboard for my palm. I guess Tin is right in telling me before that it is a good investment to spend for productivity tools. At least now i will be able to write and program on my palm like i used to. It is hard to use the stylus to write on the writing area of the palm.

Actually, i was having second thoughts on buying the keyboard because of the price. I have a high credit card bill this month because of the transactions for my Parents. Its ok though. However, one of the factors that made me decide to pursue the purchase was the fact that i gave my word to Paje that i will get it and she has reserved it for 2 weeks na. I should be even more careful when i give my word.

Strange. I am now at the Dizon hall of UA&P to attend the recollection for Professional men David invited me to. I feel like i am the youngest in the crowd. Interesting group of gentlemen. I wonder what i got myself into. Funny how we all chose seats away from each other except for those who knew someone. They all look respectable. Given that this is a recollection, perhaps their prayer life gets projected in their aura.