I’m undergoing a weird time now. It started last week when I rented the movie Constantine. In the movie, the angel told him that he had less faith mainly because he ‘knows’ the truth. He supposedly knows the real existence of hell and had dealt with demons. That led me to ask if I had my faith lessened because I too have seen proof of the other side. I’ve seen the white, the black and a lot of the shades in between. Does that mean that since it is easier for me to believe and easier for me to choose sides (I chose the good, of course) that I have lesser faith than those who believe without proof? Kuya Jess did say to Thomas that blessed are those who believe and yet have not seen. I agree. It is easier to believe once you have seen things. However, I feel that I do have a stronger desire to align myself with the good after seeing all that I have seen. I do believe in God more than I have before I have seen it. Frankly, I definitely do not want to belong with the other side.

Despite that, I am weak. I have faults and failures. I just spent my weekend staffing at Yuppie Days with the Lord. It was different for me. I always felt at home and safe in the past when I’m there. This time, I experienced a lot of ‘noise.’ I still had moments when I was close to Kuya Jess but it was a struggle to get there. In the middle of it all, I also saw how bad a person I am at times. I know I had these bad qualities before but I think it is worse now. I can be mean, irritable, vengeful, unforgiving, selfish, judgmental, lazy, and more. I don’t like it but for a guy who used to take pride in being able to change fast, I find it hard to figure out how to be better at this point. Its so easy to be bad. Very very easy. The opposite goes to being good. It is a huge struggle and freakishly difficult to maintain. I mean how can you not be vengeful when someone attacks you? How can you not be irritated when stupid people keep you from performing your activities or accomplishing your goals? How can you not be lazy when it is nicer to just watch movies than read crummy old textbooks.

Kuya Jess did it. But He is God! I’m in His image so I should be able to do something similar even if not in that grand a scale as His.

Talk about the narrow road less traveled.

Pray for me.